by: Mary Reneau
Where am I,
oh Lord, where am I? My mind was filled
with questions as the lights kept circling overhead. Gradually my eyes began to focus on the
people around me. Men and women in white
uniforms. I must be in a hospital. How did I get here and when? My mind kept repeating the question, “Where
am I?”
As the
confusion lessened, I began to remember how I had arrived at this place. It had all happened so quickly. A burning, stabbing pain and within a few
minutes I was in the hospital with a heart attack. I had truly believed that nothing could come
into the lives of God’s children without His permission. Could this heart attack be His will for my
life?
My husband,
Richard, and I had been living in Trinidad, California, for a year. Our children were all grown and we were
beginning to relax and enjoy just being together. We were both in good health and spent most of
our spare time hiking on the beach or backpacking in the back country of
Northern California.
While Richard
worked, I kept myself busy working with children through Child Evangelism
Fellowship. Richard had a ministry on
Sundays in the county jail. We were
contented with our service to God and our position in the world. Maybe we were too contented. Could this be why God had let me have this
heart attack?
When the
doctor had said, “ Your heart is dying for lack of oxygen, you must have
surgery”, my life became filled with uncertainty. Where was the peace and security I had felt
in the Lord all these years? I had
searched my memory for something in God’s word to hold me steady. In counseling with young people I had often
used I Corinthians 10:13,
“There hath no testing taken you but such as is common
to man, but God is faithful, who will not let you be tested above that you are
able; but will with the testing also make a way of escape, that you may be able
to bear it”.
With this verse God gave me
peace. I had no fear, even when the
doctor told me some of the tests could be dangerous. Hadn’t God promised that there would be
nothing that I could not bear? He would
make a way for me to escape the dangers involved.
I quoted this
verse to my family and friends to ease their fears for me. I said it over and over to myself when I was
alone. The tests showed that I needed
three coronary artery by-passes. I
hadn’t expected this, but I clung to my verse and flew to Eugene, Oregon for my
surgery without fear.
Now what had
happened? Why was I here in this place
where I kept going from light to darkness?
Had I had my surgery? Was I
dying? Where was the verse that I
needed? My mind could not bring back the
words that would save me from this engulfing panic.
In the midst
of all the noise and confusion three small words came to my mind: God is faithful. I wanted to shout, “Yes, yes! That’s part of
it”. I needed to know the rest of the verse. “Oh Lord, help me.” I prayed. Immediately my fear left me. Why did I need to know more? God is faithful. This was His promise. It did not matter where I was or what was
happening to me. God is faithful. With these thoughts came peace and I fell
asleep.
The next time
I awoke, Richard was sitting by my bed.
I knew the operation was over and I would soon be going home. I have never been able to explain to any one
what happened to me from that experience.
When friends say,”What a terrible experience you had,” I can say, “No,
it was wonderful. God taught me
something special.”
It is not the
promise we need to remember, it is God’s faithfulness.
I know nothing can harm me as long as I
believe God is faithful.
